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Home › Articles › Development › The Shy Guy (or Girl)

The Shy Guy (or Girl)

Can Parents Help
Their Shy Toddler?

By Sue Marquette Poremba

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Michelle Hokr's daughter was so shy as a toddler that her preschool teachers thought she didn't speak or understand English. "She would stare at them and look right through them," says the mom from Van Nuys, Calif. "We knew that she was and still is a very bright child, but at preschool performances, she would stand on stage, not moving or singing with the other kids. Well-meaning adults would try to get her to smile."

Today, Hokr's daughter has emerged from being an extremely shy toddler and is now an active, well-rounded, popular 10-year-old girl. "She plays soccer and is on swim team, and each year she signs up on her own, not with a friend," Hokr says. "She makes new friends each season."

It can be painful for parents to watch the child who at home is loud and funny and full of energy retreat in a corner in public, unwilling or unable to participate with other children. It is especially difficult when the parents are outgoing and feed off the energy of social situations.

Levels of Shyness
It's important to understand that shyness comes in many flavors and that everybody thinks they are shy on some level, says Sam Putnam, assistant professor of psychology at Bowdoin College in Brunswick, Maine. "There are children who are truly shy or introverted, and there are children who are socially disinterested."

A socially-disinterested child doesn't actively seek out social situations, but once in them, the child is comfortable interacting with other children. The truly shy child wants to interact and play with others, but she can't get over the unease or the fear. It is important to distinguish the behaviors, Putnam says. As long as children who fit the socially disinterested behavior are making friends, parents don't need to worry.

Children who are truly shy, however, are at an increased risk of developing anxiety problems or depression when they are older, so parents do want to help the toddler feel more confident and secure in social situations.

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