United We Stand?

When Two Parenting Styles Merge

By Lisamarie Sanders

We've often heard the phrase "presenting a united front" when disciplining children, but is it really necessary for parents to agree all the time? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? How important is it for kids?

Experts agree that although it would be ideal, being united on every discipline issue is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D., author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press, 2002), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents that are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity. "One parent might want the kids in bed by 8, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until 8:30." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.

"When there are wide discrepancies, usually that's a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores it and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.

Levy says that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have an easy-temperamented child. We don't always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate, and she's fine with it." However, some children, especially those with difficult temperaments, need the consistency that comes from a united front. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle [to fight as a united front] and win it, then move on to the next," he says. Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.

Because parents grow up in different environments, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehaviors and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.

Want to see more?

• Arguing and Back-Talk
• Fight Fair: How (Not) to Argue in Front of Your Kids
• Lights Out! Getting Your Preschooler to Bed
• Catch Them Being Good: Reviewing the Reward System
• The Truth About Consequences: Natural and Logical Thinking About Discipline
• Talk about it!