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Home › Articles › Discipline › Tough Toddlers

Tough Toddlers

What to Do if Your Baby is a Bully

By Kelly Burgess

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Brandon Linden* of Norfolk, Va., just turned 2 and he's already been kicked out of daycare for biting. His mother, Jenni Linden,* says he is "10 times more aggressive than the other children: He cries more, acts out more and he bites and pushes."

"On the other hand, Brandon can be very compassionate and loving," says Linden. "I am hoping eventually he will learn to keep his impulses under control. I feel bad because I want people to see the little sweetie I know. Instead he is a little hellion."

Linden admits she and her husband both have bad tempers and assumes that Brandon has inherited some of that characteristic. However, she wants to find some positive ways to deal with Brandon's aggressive behavior so it doesn't continue as he grows.

Not Born to Bully
Dr. Michele Borba agrees that some children are naturally more impulsive or aggressive than others, perhaps as part of a genetic disposition, but she also thinks that little bullies are made, not born. That means they can also be unmade with patience and consistence.

Dr. Borba, who is author of several parenting books, including Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them (Jossey-Bass, 2005), says Linden has made a very positive first step by recognizing that her child is, or may be, a bully.

"One big misconception parents often have is that they think aggressive behavior is a leadership skill when really it's just the child being a bully to dominate and get their way," says Dr. Borba. "Leaders do not use physical violence to get their way."

It's important that parents take off their rose-colored glasses regarding their child's behavior as early as possible. According to Dr. Borba, statistics show that aggressive behavioral patterns become entrenched by age 8. Furthermore, if a child is identified as a bully at age 8, they have a one in four likelihood of having a criminal record as adults.

"Parents need to be a little more intentional when they watch their kids play," says Dr. Borba. "Put your radar up and watch him interact with children; if he's pushing and shoving, that's a sign that he might be a bully. Also ask other parents for an honest assessment. Other parents always know who the bullies are, while the bully's parents may not have that objectivity."

In addition, Dr. Borba says to watch for these six characteristics that may mean your child is a bully:

  • Aggressive behavior over time (not just one or two isolated instances).
  • Being verbally abusive; often saying insulting or mean things.
  • Always needing to dominate the situation.
  • Lacking empathy.
  • Deliberately provoking other children to anger or make them cry.
  • Cruelty to pets or other children.
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