Tackling Tantrums

The Best Way to Handle Your Toddler

By Kelly Burgess

Jamasa Tello, shopping with her 2-year-old daughter, Maria, and her mother, found her enjoyable afternoon taking a turn for the worse when Maria began throwing a tantrum. Following the advice of experts, Jamasa ignored her daughter's screaming fit. Jamasa's mother, however, wasn't as serene.

"I explained to my mother that Maria was just very tired and we should have been more sensitive to her schedule," says Tello. "We also needed to be more flexible so that, if she's tired, we can postpone our trip. And, if she does throw a tantrum, we need to be able to leave the store."

Tantrums are nothing new for Tello. The Eugene, Ore., mother recently returned to work, leaving Maria with a babysitter. Plus, the two of them moved in with Tello's parents. The transitions were upsetting to Maria and she became an increasingly demanding, defiant toddler.

Initially, Tello tried reasoning with Maria or putting her in her room. A couple of times, she recalls guiltily, she even gave her a little swat. Nothing seemed to work. Then one day, she took a deep breath, decided enough was enough and took a more consistent approach.

Brenda Nixon, author of Parenting Power in the Early Years: Raising Your Child with Confidence – Birth to Age Five (WinePress, 2001), says Tello made the right decision when she vowed to be more consistent in handling Maria's outbursts. The mistake she made in the first place was simply trying to treat Maria as a reasoning human being, which she is not and will not be for several years.

"From a toddler's point of view, the child has an agenda and the world revolves around his or her agenda," says Nixon. "When a big adult interferes with that agenda, the toddler is not defying the parent by not obeying, the child simply doesn't have that kind of reasoning power. Rather, he is trying to further his agenda. If the adult resists, sometimes the frustration results in a temper tantrum. This is merely a way to express frustration since toddlers lack the language to express themselves. They use their bodies instead."

Nixon says it's absolutely normal for a child to throw a temper tantrum. What is usually not normal is an adult's reaction to a temper tantrum. As adults, we should be willing to understand that this small child needs a little latitude. Instead, we respond with anger or embarrassment or to try to placate the child to get him to stop.

"People will look at you very judgmentally when your child is writhing around on the floor screaming, but the fact is that the only person who cares about what those strangers think is you," Nixon says. "The child doesn't care. The only person that child cares about is Mom or Dad and what their reaction will be."

Want to see more?

• Public Scrutiny: Disciplining Your Toddler Outside the Home
• Get Your Toddler to Cooperate
• A Discipline Dilemma: How to Manage Major Meltdowns
• Talk about it!