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Home › Articles › Socializing › Stop the Violence

Stop the Violence

When Toddler Battles Cause Parental Wars

By Sharon Waldrop

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Most parents want to teach their toddlers to be kind to others, to be compassionate and sincere, to share toys and patiently wait their turn on the slide at the park, to hug instead of hit, to express anger and disappointment without hurting someone else.

But what about parents who aren't bothered by their children's violent outbursts? It's a tough call for Mary* when Alice's* toddler repeatedly hits Mary's toddler, but Alice ignores the situation. Mary can't stand back and watch her child get hurt, yet it isn't her role to discipline Alice's child. Also, if Mary ignores the situation, she is sending mixed signals to her toddler -- that hitting is acceptable, or even worse, that her child may not hit others but others may hit him. It is possible, however, for a parent to protect their child from further harm in such a situation, and to reinforce the message that hitting is not allowed. This can be done without an ugly confrontation with the other parent.

Cooperative Problem Solving
Let's look at the Mary and Alice scenario mentioned above. Mary realized, after Alice watched her toddler hit Mary's toddler for the third time, that Alice was not going to stop the behavior. Understandably, Mary cannot allow her child to be at the end of an angry clenched fist any longer, and her goal is to prevent further physical and emotional harm to her toddler. By picking up her toddler and removing him from harm, Mary has stopped the hurtful actions towards her son. However, her son is hurt both inside and outside, and those feelings need to be addressed. Mary's next step is to say to Alice, "Ben is feeling very sad right now because Max hurt him when he hit him. Can you and Max say something to make Ben feel better and can you work with me to see that this doesn't happen again?"

Hopefully, Mary has shown both her son and Alice's son that hitting is unacceptable and will not be tolerated -- and she has done so without starting an angry confrontation with Alice. In a perfect world, Alice will think twice before ignoring her son's aggression towards another toddler in the future.


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