When Punches Fly

How to Handle Toddler Hitting

By Heather V. Long

"Mommy said no!" a mother says with a patiently weary voice. The little girl's angelic face puckers and reddens with a hint of fury. She picks up a toy and throws it or reaches out and smacks her sibling. These and other kinds of behavior problems can drive a parent to distraction. Why do they do it? What should a parent do? How do you handle it when your toddler starts to hit?

Behavior problems in toddlers are common, and they usually result from a child's need for autonomy. This need arises from the child's newly acquired mobility and communication skills.

"Primarily, hitting begins because the level of frustration experienced by the toddler cannot be expressed any other way," says Corinne Gregory of www.PoliteChild.com in Woodinville, Wash. "They are still largely preverbal and lack any other coping mechanisms to deal with anger and frustration. So they hit, kick or bite – sometimes all three. And they are too young to understand that this is not an acceptable form of dealing with anger. This stage of 'expression' can begin as soon as the 1-year mark to 18 months or even somewhat later depending on the temperament of the child, his verbal skills or his environment."

Why Do They Do It?
"The position we take is that toddlers know how to hit," says Dr. Edward R. Christophersen, professor of pediatrics at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Mo., and author of Parenting That Works (American Psychological Association, 2002). "Typically, they have been around someone who hits, whether it be another young child or an adult. Also, toddlers who hit have not been taught behaviors that are alternatives to hitting. For example, one reason that toddlers hit is because they have not been taught to share. When this is the case, the caregivers need to work on teaching the child to share."

Jessica Durbin, a mother from Streator, Ill., says her son usually hits when he is very tired. "He gets too ornery and just starts hitting or pinching," she says. "He's told 'NO, you don't hit,' or something like that. That works maybe half the time."

Want to see more?

• Taking Control of Their Actions: Five Ways to Encourage Self-Discipline
• Should Toddlers Be Spanked?
• Do Time-outs Work for Toddlers?
• Public Scrutiny: Disciplining Your Toddler Outside of the Home
• Talk about it!